(Enter Hallie, appearing pregnant, wearing mouthpiece microphone a la MADONNA. Despite pregnancy, she wears the Gaultier-style bullet bra. She is dancing around Madonna-style in a way that is inconsistent with her pregnancy)

(humming) but I made up my mind, I'm having a baby. Ooh I'm gonna have a baby, ooh, oh...(bumps into Bill, who is wearing a frightening spiky wig a la DON KING. Hallie, annoyed:) who are you?

I'm Don King. I come with Carole King and the ghost of Nat King Cole, channeled through his daughter, Natalie Cole. We flew in from the East Coast. Nat and Don are parking the jet right now. Are you the Madonna with child?

Yeah, whaddaya want?

(Drops down on his knees to worship her.) We three Kings have come to worship your daughter. We followed your lucky star all the way from the east Coast. We heard a baby was to be born of a like-a-virgin mother, and that the child was immaculately conceived!

That's right, I conceived the child (sings to the tune of Madonna song "all by myself"): all by myself. (Starts to have labor pains.)

(Moves to assist her) Can we assist you in any way--get you a midwife or an obstetrician?...a gynecologist...the Pope??...

(Cuts him off) NO! (Well-meaning Bill retreats. Hallie sings to the tune of Madonna's "all by myself"): All by myself. I don't need anyone at all. I'll have my child all by myself.

(Backs off:) Mmm-hmm. (exits)

HALLIE
(In hyper-focused self-coaching mode. Claps hands.) Come on, let's go! (Adjusts ladder, lies down on back, props legs on rung stepladder in "labor" position. She still has mouthpiece microphone. Does heavy breathing from "burning up," then yelps from "Material Girl.)

Ow! Ow!

(sings & gyrates to the following "Madonna in labor" medley): Come on! Shine your heavenly body tonight...Cuz I know you're gonna make everything alright...You cause me so much pain I think I'm going insane...What you do to me baby, You know...Let your body go with the flow, you know you can do it....(moans from Like a Virgin): Who-whoa-whoa...Touch my body move inside, now I know you're mine...

(Lies on back hugging knees with arms, speaks to baby:)

I've had to work much harder than this, for something I want don't try to resist me...

(pushes stomach impatiently, trying to expel baby)

Oh baby I cherish the thought of always having you here by my side.

(yelps, á la material girl, in labor pain) Ow! Ow!

Baby LOURDES (Bill), crawls on stage, bawling, and crawls underneath Hallie's legs. Hallie expels pregnancy padding, sings:)

You can't hurt me now...

Madonna straddles stepladder and sits Bill (Lourdes) in lap to suckle pointy cone nipple. After a beat): No, that's not how you do it! Let me show you how it's done! (Grabs an Evian bottle, fellates it a la "Truth or Dare." Bill tries again.)

(With Puerto Rican accent) Oy, coño, Mommy, Your nipple too stiff--I can't get any milk. You're going to have to squeeze the milk out for me, Mommy!

(Serene) Aw, you can't express yourself? (She gently helps Bill suckle from her plastic nipple. Lights out on beautific Madonna and Child tableau...)